Strategies for breaking the news without shattering their world, even in highly contentious dissolutions.
Every good parent wants to spare their children any emotional turmoil that might result from their divorce. For precisely this reason, many parents remain in broken marriages, suffering various indignities, until they finally can’t take it anymore. If you have reached the point where you need to dissolve your marriage, how you tell your children can go a long way toward helping them adjust. This is especially true in highly contentious divorces when you’re dealing with an irrational spouse. You have to lay the groundwork so that your children know what’s happening, understand it’s not about them, and trust that they can still rely on you and confide their feelings to you.
Preparation is key. So, to help you ready yourself, we offer 11 tips for telling your children about your divorce:
- Schedule the moment — You don’t want to spontaneously reveal your plans to your kids. You want to pick a time when you and your spouse can have your children’s undivided attention for as long as the discussion requires. This can be difficult in a contentious divorce because an uncooperative spouse might cancel this appointment time and again as a passive-aggressive attack on you. If that happens, you might have no choice but to act independently, but you must give your spouse every reasonable opportunity to participate.
- Plan what you will say — Speaking off the cuff about such heartfelt matters is exceedingly difficult. Doing so alongside an uncooperative spouse is generally impossible. The two of you have to be on the same page about what you will say and how you will say it. Working with an experienced therapist helps you plan what you want to say and can prepare you for what your children might say so you are not caught off guard.
- Present a united front — Try to use “we” statements, presenting your plan as a joint decision. Even if your spouse lapses into “I” usage, hold fast to your “we.”
- Be truthful, but sparing — Don’t sugarcoat the situation or avoid hard facts. One of the parents will be moving out of the home. That’s a fact. You and your spouse will no longer be married. Fact. But you don’t have to go into any gory details about what prompted your decision or suggest that either of you might someday have a new partner.
- Avoid the blame game — It’s tempting to pin the blame for your breakup on your spouse, especially when they’re at fault, and you see the pain in your children’s eyes. You want to tell the kids, “I didn’t ask for this,” but don’t go there. Any attempt to assign fault will backfire. Unless there are serious issues of abuse, children tend to love both of their parents. Your children may perceive statements that cast your spouse in a bad light as your attempt to turn them against their other parent. This can prompt an angry reaction and lasting resentment.
- Don’t take the bait — An unreasonable spouse can use this moment to litigate issues of your divorce or embarrass you in front of your children. It will take a herculean effort to let hurtful comments lie, but you must gently, though insistently, refocus the discussion on the points you planned to cover. Don’t get drawn into an argument in front of your children, whom you are trying to shield from the nasty aspects of your breakup.
- Acknowledge the sadness, while being positive about the future — Parents who are too anxious to have their kids believe that everything is fine can force kids to suppress emotions they need to be able to process. Acknowledging the sadness of the moment gives your kids much-needed permission to experience what they’re feeling. It also demonstrates empathy, which builds the trust you’ll need to guide them through the rollercoaster of emotions they’ll experience in the coming months.
- Be age-appropriate — It’s important not to give your kids more than they are developmentally prepared to process. Young children don’t readily understand finality, so it can be challenging to express to them that this is a permanent decision. They also may not understand how your love for them will last when your love for the other parent didn’t. Grade school kids who are used to their parents correcting their behavior may intuit that they are somehow to blame. They can have difficulty verbalizing their feelings, leading to acting out behaviors. Teens are in the process of individuating themselves, which can manifest as a struggle against parental authority. Resentment over your divorce can add fuel to that flame. You must allow them to process their feelings, even if they become hyper-emotional at times while establishing boundaries for acceptable behavior and expression.
- Give kids permission to speak and then listen — Your discussion will establish the rules for life going forward, including parent-child communication. To set healthy guidelines where your children feel free to express their thoughts and feelings, you must give them permission to speak. You can do this by asking questions and listening patiently. So that you’re not caught off-guard, you must prepare for the common questions that children will ask. Consulting a child therapist can be very helpful in this regard. Also, do not be so eager to console your children that you cut them off before they finish speaking. They can interpret this as a call to suppress their feelings.
- Reaffirm what will not change — When children learn that their parents are splitting up and that one of the parents will be moving out, it’s natural for them to wonder what else will change. It’s crucial that you reinforce both parents’ love for your children. If the plan is for the children to continue living in the same home and going to the same school, let them know. Older children are especially connected to their life outside the home and may have definite ideas about their life in the next few years, such as what high school they want to go to. Whenever you can truthfully reinforce the permanence of a set of circumstances, you can provide additional comfort for your children.
- Exercise patience — No matter how well you handle the big reveal, your kids will need time to process everything that is happening and how they feel about it. Expect a process and not instant results. Depending on your circumstances, scheduling counseling sessions for your kids might be advisable. Knowing how they are responding to the situation can better enable you to address any pain points. Keep an eye out for signs that they are struggling emotionally, such as a drop in their grades, conduct problems at school, or a loss of interest in activities they previously enjoyed. Discussing these issues with a child therapist can provide insights and strategies for helping your children adjust.
The good news is that children are resilient. As long as they continue to receive love from both parents, they can overcome the initial turmoil associated with your divorce. You can rely on the knowledgeable family law attorneys at Bikel Rosenthal & Schanfield, LLP for reliable advice on the legal aspects of divorce as it relates to your children. Call us today.